I need him now more than ever…
There’s a lot to be said about Papa. Words are not enough though to depict how I really feel about missing him…
I can still remember this song we always used to sing together in Church, “Something’s Happened To Daddy”:
(Papa) As my little girl who played
With the kids across the street
The tone of her voice caught my ear
What she said was so precious
Her little face all aglow
I could hardly hold back her tears
(Little Me) Something’s happened to Daddy
He’s not the same anymore
Things are different at our house
Like never before
Mom says he met Jesus
And He washed him white as snow
Something’s happened to Daddy I know
(Papa) I could still recall that day
When we gave her to the Lord
And promised to show her the way
But I was so busy with the things of this world
How too soon I’ve forgotten that day
(Little Me) Something’s happened to Daddy
He’s not the same anymore
Things are different at our house
Like never before
Mom says he met Jesus
And He washed him white as snow
Something’s happened to Daddy I know…
I don’t remember much of my younger childhood years, but the pictures say how “Papa’s Girl” I was. He always used to take me everywhere! Most, if not all, of my talents were either inherited from or honed by Papa. Music, sports, language and other skills are all, I could say, “Thank you Papa” skills. I wish I inherited his good hand in Arts as well (my brothers are lucky they did!). But when I started schooling, I thought I saw Papa as someone who was strict and who I was afraid of. Having crushes in Grade School and boyfriend in High School was sort of a “silent taboo” set by Papa so I thought he was strict. He would always tell me what was appropriate to wear, even what hairstyle looked good on me (that’s probably because he’s an artist). He would also always want me to involve myself in the Choir, singing groups, piano lessons, even if sometimes I didn’t want to.
When I reached College, those thoughts about Papa being iron-fisted were replaced with an understanding, thoughtful, and considerate image of a father. Whenever I went home for weekends, he was always excited to hear my stories about school, internship, duties in the hospital, and all my activities. I can still imagine the look on his face whenever I arrived, he would always joke about our pet cat missing me, with matching simulation of the cat’s tone :). Then when weekends were over and it’s time for me to travel back to school in Cavite or Pasay, he would always ascertain that I have enough allowance even if that would mean nothing will be left for them. According to him, I was alone and far from home, while the rest of the family stayed together in Pampanga so I would need to have sufficient finances to support myself. He said they can work something out from home anyway. I used to have prepaid mobile before, and whenever I sent him a message stating that was my last one because I was running out of credits, he would immediately send my brother out to recharge credits to my mobile. He’s the father who will give even his only piece of bite to his child whom he feels needs it more, even though the child didn’t really ask for it — a true epitome of selflessness.
He listened to me and discussed things without bias. He laughed hard that I can’t help but join him :). He always knew what I wanted. When I looked at him and he looked back, we both knew what we were both thinking, then smile with our eyes(God I miss those days!). I will always be proud because Papa was proud of me and all my accomplishments. He would always brag about the talents and skills I possess, contests that I’ve won, academic honors that I’ve gained, compliments from other people that I’ve received… I could never be less than grateful for having such a father, and I would always brag about that until the end of my days. I hope he died aware of how proud I am of him…
A friend asked me, “In what stage of Coping with Dying are you in now?” Some think I’m in the last stage already, which is Acceptance. I cannot question their judgment because they can probably see that I look happy and focused, that I have moved on with my loss. But deep inside of me, I’m still longing and crying. Sometimes I feel like I’m still going back to the first stage which is Denial. But definitely I’m stuck with the fourth, Depression. I guess Acceptance will come in time, but not any sooner.
Now, I need him more than ever. I need his words of wisdom, encouraging analogies of life, and inspiring parental advices. I just need to have another conversation with him, to ask him what to do and how to think. Life gets all messed up sometimes, but that’s why there are people around sent by God to help us go through–family, friends, partner, stranger… But now I just wish it’s Papa…:(
1 comment March 22, 2008
babypie-nel
Tags: something happened to daddy
